Thursday, April 22, 2010

On being a wedding guest

With summer approaching, most of us have a few weddings to attend and wedding etiquette can be tricky. People who are about to get married tend to get a crash course in it, but the rest of us remain fairly clueless and happily oblivious of any rules we might be breaking. These aren't official wedding rules, just basic advice gleaned over time. If I'm horribly in the wrong about any of it, feel free to disagree in the comments.

dad and claudia
{one of my favorite weddings - my dad and stepmom got married in their backyard a few years ago and had a potluck reception that was absolutely perfect}

Ahead of time:

1. RSVP. On time. Without making the couple hunt you down on the phone. They're not obsessive - they  need to know exactly how many people they'll be feeding.

2. Order a gift or send a card. Technically, you have an entire year to handle the gift situation. Personally, I feel awkward attending a wedding when I know I haven't taken care of it. If you have unerring taste and you know the couple well, buy them whatever you think is appropriate. I actually love ordering from the registry, so I always go that route. Sometimes I even place the order while I'm getting dressed for the wedding, because that's when I think of it. Oddly enough, best etiquette is to send the gift in the mail (easy with online registries). It was years before I realized this and now I understand it, because as a bridesmaid I've spent a fair amount of time schlepping gift boxes around (from the ceremony site to the reception site, from the reception site to someone's car who is later willing to deliver it to the couple). Not to say that the couple won't be thrilled to receive your gift however it arrives, just that logistically it's actually easier if it comes by mail.

3. Book a hotel room, if one is required.  Usually the couple picks a convenient hotel and reserves a block of rooms at a discounted rate (if they do, it's probably noted in the invitation). You still need to call and reserve a room. Just mention the names for the discount. You can also choose to stay at a different hotel if it's easier/cheaper for you. This isn't offensive. 

4. Figure out what you're wearing. This is mostly just for you, because no one really cares what you're wearing (or so I like to tell myself). Maybe it's a byproduct of living in California, but I swear that almost every wedding I've attended has had a vast range of clothing choices. There is ALWAYS some guy that shows up in shorts. Weird, right? As long as you are not the guy who shows up in shorts, and you don't wear white (theoretically a mortal offense to the bride, although I've never had this confirmed) then you're good to go, at least in my opinion.

Day of: 

1. Show up. On time. Enough said.

2. Be appreciative. My pet peeve at weddings is when guests complain about anything. The couple cared enough about you to invite you to their wedding. I don't care if you don't like their drink choices or their linen selection or if you are offended by a cash bar or if you think it's tacky that they're doing a money dance. I went to a wedding once and sat at a table with guests who complained because there was only one water pitcher on each table (apparently you are supposed to have two?) and they felt the wedding colors would have been more appropriate for a fall wedding (seriously). I nearly screamed. Be grateful that you're there sharing the day. Realize that they are many reasons why people make wedding decisions and it's easy to take pot shots when you haven't spent the last seven months dealing with it. If you must dissect the wedding choices (yes, I admit I am not a saint) do it in absolute privacy on the car ride home.

3. Have fun. I love weddings (absolutely all weddings, across the entire range of the spectrum - I've literally never been to a wedding I didn't enjoy), so this is easy for me. If the music is super cheesy, take advantage of it and dance. Talk to people and catch up and don't expect to see much of the couple, because everyone wants to see them and they probably haven't even had a chance to eat.

4. Carry a bit of cash. Valet tips, bartender tips, cash bar - you'll frequently encounter at least one of these things.

It's also worth noting that you are an adult and you have a choice. If you don't want to go for some reason, don't go. Send your regrets and don't stress about it. I think most couples would rather have someone not attend than be there reluctantly (because reluctant people are a bummer).

35 comments:

  1. This is great! I wish it was proper to email this to all my wedding guests. :-)

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  2. In addition, how about a little bachelorette party etiquette? Don't continue to tell the bride (and all the other guests) how mad you were that she got engaged before you did. Seriously, this happened to me. She was the fiance of one of my husband's best friends...they actually got engaged only a week after us.

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  3. Thanks for this, Rachel! I was completely clueless before I started planning my own wedding. I hope our guests are as considerate as you!

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  4. Fantastic tips! My first "best friend is getting married" wedding is this summer - I can't wait to share the day with them!! :)

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  5. great advice - especially about the complaining. that's a pet peeve of mine - who wants negative energy at their wedding?

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  6. I'm so glad you posted this! Tyler's best friend is getting married in May and I'm basically clueless about weddings.

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  7. this was unbelievably helpful for a wedding guest novice. and i nearly died about how there is always one guy in shorts.

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  8. fabulous idea to post this...it seems completely polite and common sense but unfortunately many don't know these tips!

    weddings are so fun, they should be enjoyed to their full extent and these tips definitely help ensure that!

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  9. oh my gosh this is wonderful! would it be alright if i posted this on my blog and of course linked it to your blog and gave you all the wonderful credit...My husband and i got married last year and are having a big wedding this june...his family seems to be a little clueless :)

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  10. I'm less than two months from my wedding, I hope everyone I've invited is as good a guest as you!!

    additional bachelorette tip- Don't tell the bride that being married is the most horrible thing ever and that it destroys your sex life. I heard this from another bridesmaid while we were shopping for our friend's wedding dress.

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  11. one guy in shorts. OMG. sooooo funny.

    good tips. suddenly everyone i know is getting married (except for me) so it's best i get my etiquette groove on.

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  12. love the tip about cash. I ALWAYS forget cash.


    ps how cute is your stepdad with his no messing around mustache and light linen looking suit?

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  13. that last bit - not feeling bad about saying no if it's necessary - is the hardest part for me.

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  14. I totally agree with you on all of this! And reluctant people are a bummer, hahaha.

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  15. The "year to send a gift" thing is a myth. Emily Post and Miss Manners both agree -- send the gift in advance of the wedding, and bring it to the reception if you must, but it should be chosen and delivered on or before the day of the wedding.

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  16. YES. Especially about the RSVPs and comments about anything (if it's not praise/gushing). I could comment on the shorts, but I'll restrain myself.

    LOVE the photo at the top! They are precious!

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  17. Hehe I had a silly friend innocently wear a white sundress to a good friend's wedding, I'm sure it wasn't a big deal bc the bride is an amazing person, but I certainly noticed it immediately!

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  18. we've been frequenting weddings about twice a month for the past year & i love it all. another thing i would say is to not talk when people are giving speeches, even when (or rather, especially when) the sound system isn't very good. it's so sad to see people chattering away while best friends and fathers are giving heartfelt words to the bride & groom!

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  19. as someone who was clueless about weddings until planning my own, i think you totally nailed it.

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  20. i love the "be appreciative" note. absolutely!

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  21. @ Jenelle - for sure! I never mind people re-posting stuff as long as it's linked.

    @ Jamie - Actually, that's my dad-dad there. And yes, the mustache is epic. And he also owns a full on white (cashmere!)suit that he has had for decades and wears for special occasions. He went with linen because of the whole summer thing.

    @ Laura - Good to know that the one year thing is a myth! I've always gone with my gut, which says that waiting a year just feels wrong. Although I guess I'm breaking that rule when I order on the day of. I always figure it will be nice to have a gift waiting for when you get back from the honeymoon!

    @ ampersandity - Yes! Talking during the speeches sucks. Although I have to admit that when they get really long, I get incredibly bored.

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  22. I am linking to this RIGHT NOW. He-Mouse is totally convinced that you have three years to do a gift after the wedding. Where did this even come from? I'm marrying into years of wedding gift debt.

    Cute photo! :)

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  23. Terrific advice! I especially appreciate the part about not criticizing the wedding choices until you are, at minimum, in the car on your way home from the wedding. This is also a pet peeve of mine. The bride and groom are presumably people you care about, and they probably worked hard to try and put together a great party -- why on earth would you fuss about the colors/alcohol/food/whatever where you might be overheard?

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  24. Love the post! I agree with all of it!!

    How about these...

    1- if you are giving a toast at the wedding...make sure you pronounce the names correctly!! Went to one wedding where the best man called the bride by the EX WIFE's name. They are very similar names...but still!!

    2 - if there is an open bar...by all means, drink and have fun...but be respectful that someone is still picking up the tab. I had lots of people ordering drinks and leaving them sit, doing more shots than should really be done at a formal event...I'm all for fun, but...

    3 - and if you are the one throwing a wedding...feed people in a timely manner. Making people wait 2 hours while you do wedding party pictures and not at least giving them snacks...it's just mean.

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  25. *applauds* Yes, yes, YES. Especially the last point. My feelings are if you don't want to go, say no and send a gift (to buy off your guilt, so to speak). There's a chance you were only invited because the couple felt they "had" to, anyway. ;D

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  26. This is such a great post. Thank you! We had quite a few "bad" guests at our wedding. People who didn't RSVP and then showed up or vice versa. But overall our guests were wonderful and it all worked out in the end.

    p.s. I had a bride tell me once to make sure I didn't wear white to their wedding. I couldn't believe it. Of course I never would, but I still thought that was a urban wedding legend. But she was not kidding at all. Those people do exist! (I was good friends with the groom not the bride)

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  27. Great list! I agree with all of your points, especially the part about being appreciative.

    One to add: Be polite to the musicians and entertainment.

    We work hard to please the bride and groom, and to help make their day as special as possible. I cannot tell you how many times someone has started talking to me or members of my quartet while we are performing! It is very distracting, and the guest usually gets upset because we are ignoring or snubbing them. Sigh...

    Also, don't ask for Free Bird. :)

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  28. Great advice! Also I think more and more couples appreciate cash gifts in lieu of something off of the registry. This is especially true if someone is in grad school/about to start grad school/has debt from grad school or they just bought a new car/house. So in my book, writing a check as a gift isn't tacky, but again, it varies from couple to couple :)

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  29. yes, yes and yes. as a newlywed myself i have a new found appreciation for all the hard work that goes into weddings.

    i actually like ordering from the registry too... you know the couple will love it because they picked it out themselves. my mom and dad still have and use the blender they got for their wedding! now it's vintage :)

    p.s. kiwi and i went to the most awesome indian wedding over the weekend... the saris, the food, the dancing! it was amazing.

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  30. great tips! the mr and i just celebrated our one year anniversary a few days ago and this brought back some memories. like having 7 people who rsvp'd that they were coming, just not show up the day of. we were on a budget and that would have been a good amount of cash saved had we known in advance!

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  31. This is great information. I am always the girl that forgot to bring cash...or sitting next to the guy in the shorts ;) HAHAHA. I also love weddings of any kind. I am not a good dancer, so I always end up making a fool of myself, but I guess that is what it is all about...having fun!

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  32. I love weddings! I hate it when people make snarky comments. It's their special day, not yours. It doesn't matter what you think.

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  33. r- oh, i have been away too long from regularly attending your blog. I miss it and each time I arrive on time, in advance or perhaps a bit late to the party, I still feel the welcome, the warmth and always goodness from you.
    pretty wedding and pretty advice.
    your mom should be proud.
    pve

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