On being a wedding guest

With summer approaching, most of us have a few weddings to attend and wedding etiquette can be tricky. People who are about to get married tend to get a crash course in it, but the rest of us remain fairly clueless and happily oblivious of any rules we might be breaking. These aren't official wedding rules, just basic advice gleaned over time. If I'm horribly in the wrong about any of it, feel free to disagree in the comments.

{one of my favorite weddings - my dad and stepmom got married in their backyard a few years ago and had a potluck reception that was absolutely perfect}

Ahead of time:

1. RSVP. On time. Without making the couple hunt you down on the phone. They're not obsessive - they  need to know exactly how many people they'll be feeding.

2. Order a gift or send a card. Technically, you have an entire year to handle the gift situation. Personally, I feel awkward attending a wedding when I know I haven't taken care of it. If you have unerring taste and you know the couple well, buy them whatever you think is appropriate. I actually love ordering from the registry, so I always go that route. Sometimes I even place the order while I'm getting dressed for the wedding, because that's when I think of it. Oddly enough, best etiquette is to send the gift in the mail (easy with online registries). It was years before I realized this and now I understand it, because as a bridesmaid I've spent a fair amount of time schlepping gift boxes around (from the ceremony site to the reception site, from the reception site to someone's car who is later willing to deliver it to the couple). Not to say that the couple won't be thrilled to receive your gift however it arrives, just that logistically it's actually easier if it comes by mail.

3. Book a hotel room, if one is required.  Usually the couple picks a convenient hotel and reserves a block of rooms at a discounted rate (if they do, it's probably noted in the invitation). You still need to call and reserve a room. Just mention the names for the discount. You can also choose to stay at a different hotel if it's easier/cheaper for you. This isn't offensive. 

4. Figure out what you're wearing. This is mostly just for you, because no one really cares what you're wearing (or so I like to tell myself). Maybe it's a byproduct of living in California, but I swear that almost every wedding I've attended has had a vast range of clothing choices. There is ALWAYS some guy that shows up in shorts. Weird, right? As long as you are not the guy who shows up in shorts, and you don't wear white (theoretically a mortal offense to the bride, although I've never had this confirmed) then you're good to go, at least in my opinion.

Day of: 

1. Show up. On time. Enough said.

2. Be appreciative. My pet peeve at weddings is when guests complain about anything. The couple cared enough about you to invite you to their wedding. I don't care if you don't like their drink choices or their linen selection or if you are offended by a cash bar or if you think it's tacky that they're doing a money dance. I went to a wedding once and sat at a table with guests who complained because there was only one water pitcher on each table (apparently you are supposed to have two?) and they felt the wedding colors would have been more appropriate for a fall wedding (seriously). I nearly screamed. Be grateful that you're there sharing the day. Realize that they are many reasons why people make wedding decisions and it's easy to take pot shots when you haven't spent the last seven months dealing with it. If you must dissect the wedding choices (yes, I admit I am not a saint) do it in absolute privacy on the car ride home.

3. Have fun. I love weddings (absolutely all weddings, across the entire range of the spectrum - I've literally never been to a wedding I didn't enjoy), so this is easy for me. If the music is super cheesy, take advantage of it and dance. Talk to people and catch up and don't expect to see much of the couple, because everyone wants to see them and they probably haven't even had a chance to eat.

4. Carry a bit of cash. Valet tips, bartender tips, cash bar - you'll frequently encounter at least one of these things.

It's also worth noting that you are an adult and you have a choice. If you don't want to go for some reason, don't go. Send your regrets and don't stress about it. I think most couples would rather have someone not attend than be there reluctantly (because reluctant people are a bummer).