Guys, it is one of those weeks. I am tired. I am unmotivated. I fell asleep on the bus this morning, despite getting plenty of sleep last night. I haven't edited my new photos for the shop or sewn that skirt I've been meaning to get around to for the last month or cooked anything amazing. Our apartment is messy and every evening I get home from work and think about cleaning it and then decide to hide in our (unmade) bed and eat peanut butter out of the jar instead.
I used to call this lazy, but I've rebranded it and now I refer to it as dormant. What I've realized is that we all work differently. I like to operate at 110% capacity 80% of the time and then spend the rest of my time doing absolutely nothing. D prefers to operate at a slightly lower intensity all of the time, thus avoiding the need to completely collapse every so often. We basically get the same amount done, so clearly our systems work.
I like being super efficient and multitasking like a mad woman. It's satisfying. It lets me get a lot done. And I can go for days or weeks or months before I start feeling sluggish, like I'm pushing through instead of powering through. For the most part, I don't want to just push through my life.
So I pay attention and if possible, I give myself permission to stop almost entirely for a day or so. I explain to D that I'm taking a break and cannot be asked to make any decisions about anything, including meals. Then I lie in bed and re-read books I love. I let my mind wander. I refuse to feel guilty.* I mean, I still have to go to work, because it's hard to explain the dormant state to your boss, but I feel no obligation to do anything at home. And after a day or two (or sometimes just a few hours of hard napping), I suddenly find myself wanting to do all these things again.**
Some of you are probably thinking that this sounds like a totally crazy and dysfunctional cycle. It kind of is, but it works for me so I'm embracing it. I'll be back on Monday, hopefully all recharged.
* This method only works if I erase the guilt as completely as possible. If I lie in bed and feel guilty about it, I just find myself getting more and more exhausted and weighed down. Not recommended.
** Works best for me if the dormancy is as concentrated as possible. If I go half assed and try to keep getting stuff done while fitting in convenient naps and such, I can feel sluggish and unmotivated for weeks. I require a full on disconnect for a brief period of time.
if it's possible, i think i love you even more now!!
ReplyDeleteNo you're not dysfunctional!
ReplyDeleteI mean, seriously you are a total creating-machine, and you work hard and everything is awesome. So if you have a system that works for you, perfect.
I've found that for me, mornings are the best time to do anything I want done. So I get up early because I love it and I hate sleeping in, and I do a ton of everything.
And once the morning is over, or at about 3pm, I kind of dislike the day and wish it was time for bed. Maybe that's not good either but...it works for me :)
You have managed to put perfectly in to words exactly the way I have been operating recently! Total slump for weeks, and now I am getting back up to speed. I think it refreshes your enthusiasm, towards then end you start thinking "hey, wasn't it fun when I used to go places, do new things and put effort in to projects?!"
ReplyDeleteAre you and I the same person?? I'm pretty sure we were separated at birth. I am the exact same! I too need some time to just be dormant. It's like a "recharge." You can only go so hard for so long!
ReplyDeletethis is exactly how i operate.
ReplyDeleteand yes. i'm hitting that "sit down, already" part of the cycle. long weekend, here i come.
Add me to the list of people who work this way--except my dormant stages usually last a week rather than a day!
ReplyDeleteNope, this is totally how I work too -- I like the "no guilt" rule, I *just* discovered this recently, it is *fantastic*! I'm on Book 3 of Re-Read Loves -- High five for your style!
ReplyDeleteI thoroughly approve of rebranding "lazy"
ReplyDeleteas long as you figure out what works best for you, then no need to feel guilty! i like to be industrious, but work slowly and need a lot of breaks. and still need some dormant evenings now and then as well.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you... I run and run and run (even doing things I enjoy can wind up being exhausting on some level) until I eventually know I've reached the point where I need to refuel by eating cold pizza and snuggling under the covers watching "Friends." So glad to know I'm not alone!
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate (as apparently so do lots of others)...don't feel dysfunctional. Dormancy is lovely!
ReplyDeleteI completely understand what you mean. Typically I don't like to not be doing something. I iron while watching movies, I have dinner cooking while I'm cleaning the bathroom. But every few weeks I hit this wall where I pretty much can't do anything. I get home from work and I sit down and do nothing except watch old episodes of Good Eats. I go to bed at 9pm and sleep solidly until 6am and still feel like I could sleep another 9 hours.
ReplyDeleteSo from where I sit (and looks like other people that commented feel the same) you are totally normal. I hope you have a very guilt free and recharging rest of the week and weekend.
I'm usually bad at multitasking, but every once in awhile I like to go go crazy and do lots of stuff at once. It's true, everyone's different, and that's great :)
ReplyDeleteThis is so exactly me. Except I can't get past the guilt, so the dormancy is draggggging.
ReplyDeleteyou just described me to a T! I'm currently pulling myself out of dormancy. But it explains why the past couple days all I've wanted to do is watch Gossip Girl and lay around.
ReplyDeleteI so understand what you mean. For me, it is the prospect of going back to work, when I so want the summer to continue. I wish I could learn the "erase the guilt" thing!!!
ReplyDeletei think this is something that absolutely every person can relate to and i'm glad you're taking some much needed time to yourself. but i am looking forward to indulging in some excellent food and wine tonight with you :)
ReplyDeleteYou've gotten a couple of other comments saying this, but I operate totally the same way. I've never thought of it as dormancy though...moreso as a way to stop myself from having a mental breakdown. But I like your verbiage better! I love being the most efficient person alive, but sometimes I just need to lie in bed, watch shows about vampires, and eat junk food. And I'm glad I'm not the only one:)
ReplyDeleteI never knew how to put into words - what you just put into words. Makes so much sense! That explains the weekends I'll have where I can't do anything. And I don't do anything. Very glad you spelled it out for us. You're so not alone!
ReplyDeleteI read this with a sigh of relief...I read all of these brilliant blogs who belong to authors with beautiful lives, and it's nice to know that you eat peanut butter out of the jar too! Enjoy your down time!
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog. Totally can relate to this post! Hope you have a great Friday.
ReplyDeleteoxoxo
Denalee
I completely get this. After a week of invigoration, I felt myself crashing tonight. It's okay. We have a mutable nature. Expecting constant anything is unrealistic. You need the one so you can have, and enjoy, the other.
ReplyDeleteI think it's just life -- when you out your energy and time into something to get things done, you need to refuel! If you don't operate like that either you're a robot or something is wrong with you!! Forget feeling guilty - we all do it! X
ReplyDelete*put (sorry typo in the first line)
ReplyDeleteI think it sounds *exactly* like me.
ReplyDeleteI think your system is incredibly enlightened. It's impossible to maintain that level of intensity over an extended period of time without having a chance to recharge. For me, dicking around and doing nothing is sacred time. I hope this weekend is restorative. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm jealous. You're not dysfuntional, you know yourself well, and have created what works best for you. I have yet to understand myself well enough to figure that much out. Way to go!
ReplyDeleteahh~ peanut butter and a book in bed sounds just about perfect. hope you enjoyed the time off!! :)
ReplyDeletelove it! That's exactly how I'm feeling... except I want to take a week off of work to completely recharge! ha!
ReplyDeletexo
www.iplayinla.com
I rarely read a post that speaks to me so perfectly. I can completely relate; thank you for describing it all so well. I've been doing the half-assed thing; laziness mixed with attempts at productivity and it's leaving me even more exhausted than before.
ReplyDeleteI need to spend a couple days in bed, lounging, reading, tv, and breathing.