Around here ...

I haven't been breaking out the camera as often as usual and while it's sometimes a nice break, I also miss it. Here's a few glimpses of what we've been up to over the last couple months.

{caramel brownies, again}

{porch dinner}

{stenciling}

{carrot cake}

{apartment hunting}

{lasagna in progress}

{homemade rice krispie treats}

I may not be a huge chocolate person, but add a little bit of caramel and I'm suddenly on board.

We've been making the most of our balcony, especially with the crazy warm weather over the last month. Leftover wedding candles make everything prettier. Friends make everything more fun.

I told D I was totally over Halloween and just wanted the easiest costume possible that would let me wear sweats. Somehow we ended up hand stenciling skeleton costumes?

It was carrot cake time of year again. I won't deviate from this recipe. Even if shredding the carrots by hand kills me a little every time. (I ditch the maple syrup in the frosting because I swear it doesn't make a difference)

Apartment hunting in LA is a little brutal. We started a month ago and told ourselves we wouldn't settle! I wanted hardwood floors, laundry in unit, garage parking, no popcorn ceilings, patio or balcony for outdoor space. Four weeks later and we're pretty much ready to take the first decent, affordable, dog friendly thing that pops up. Patient, I am not.

Homemade lasagna noodles, inspired by cevd. Worth the time.

Homemade rice krispie treats, which is what happens when I decide to make an easy dessert. I COMPLICATE IT. Turns out homemade marshmallow fluff, while ridiculously delicious, makes for seriously stale rice krispie treats. So that is a bummer. I need to figure out the science on this one.

Tamarind simple syrup

I've been experimenting with making our own tamarind syrup for one of our favorite cocktails from last summer (and my current favorite fall/winter drink) and while I haven't mastered the exact proportions of the original (mine is slightly less sweet) it still works perfectly.

{tamarind simple syrup}

Now that I have the proportions down (which you should feel free to play with - you can do more sugar if you like it sweeter) I can make a batch in less than 15 minutes. It is worth having on hand, let me tell you.

{tamarind simple syrup, bottled}

Tamarind simple syrup (makes ~ 1.75 cups)

4 oz tamarind pulp/paste* (slightly mounded 1/3 cup)
6 oz granulated sugar (generous 3/4 cup)
10 oz water (1 1/4 cup)

:: Put everything into a smallish saucepan and bring to a boil over medium high heat.

:: Whisk the boiling syrup briskly for 1 - 2 minutes. Lower the heat slightly if it looks in danger of boiling over! The syrup will become thick and dark brown once it is thoroughly mixed. You really need to use a whisk here, not a wooden spoon.

:: Turn off the heat and let the syrup cool for 10 - 15 minutes. It's easiest to strain if the syrup is hot but not boiling.

:: Strain the syrup through a fine mesh strainer or a few layers of cheesecloth. The syrup will be thick! I use a spatula to help press the syrup through a fine mesh strainer. If you're using fancy tamarind paste that doesn't have seeds and skins, you might not need to strain it.

:: Store in the refrigerator and shake before use. We usually go through it in 2 - 3 weeks but I'm guessing it will hold up a bit longer.

If you don't already have a kitchen scale, you're missing out (we have this Oxo one and it's held up well over the last two years so I'll vouch for it). Trying to scrape tamarind paste into (and then out of) a measuring cup is much more work than slicing off a chunk and weighing it out. I weigh everything directly into the saucepan. I tested and added cup measurements here but only because I love you guys. The good news is you'll end up with something delicious even if your measurements aren't perfect.

{tamarind paste}

* I get these blocks of tamarind paste from the local Middle Eastern market. It isn't strained and it has seeds in it and it costs less than $5. There are fancier seedless options but they cost more and it's easy enough to strain it after making the syrup. You should also be able to get it at some Mexican markets. Just make sure that whatever you get is 100% tamarind, without any added sugar.

Tamarind cocktails

First of all, I want to say thank you times a million to everyone who reached out after my last post. Those annual posts are difficult to write, but always worth it, mostly because you guys are so amazing. My heart breaks for those of you going through something similar. I wish I could give you all a hug, but how about a long overdue cocktail recipe instead?

2013 was the summer of the tamarind cocktail for us. We were given a bottle of Royal Rose tamarind syrup and we zipped right through it and then I had to figure out how to make my own (will share that recipe tomorrow in case you want to try it on your own). UPDATE - tamarind syrup recipe is right here.

The tamarind does make your cocktails a rather unusual murky brown, but once you discover how good they taste you'll start thinking they're gorgeous.

{tamarind sour}

There are two drink options, one with bourbon and one with tequila. I love them both but we make the tequila based one more often in the summer, the bourbon in the fall/winter.

Tequila Sunset - makes 1 drink / 2 drinks
2 oz tequila blanco              / 4 oz tequila
1/2 oz fresh lime juice         / 1 oz fresh lime juice  
1/2 oz tangerine juice*        / 1 oz tangerine juice
1/2 oz tamarind syrup        / 1 oz tamarind syrup
2 dashes bitters                 / 4 dashes bitters 

Shake with ice, strain into a chilled glass. 

Tamarind Sour - makes 1 stiff drink / 2 stiff drinks
2.5 oz bourbon                  / 5 oz bourbon
1/2 oz fresh lemon juice     / 1 oz fresh lemon juice
1/2 oz tamarind syrup        / 1 oz tamarind syrup
dash of bitters                   / 2 dashes bitters 

Shake with ice, strain into a chilled glass. 

*You can certainly sub orange juice for the tangerine juice, but whatever you use should be fresh. I'm obsessed with the tangerine juice in the refrigerated section at Trader Joe's. P.S. If you want the most inexpensive yet surprisingly decent white tequila, try the Zapopan blanco from Trader Joe's. It isn't a sipping tequila, but it's good in cocktails and it's so cheap. If you've tried it in previous years, maybe give it another go. It's 100% agave now and I've noticed a few nice restaurants around town keep it under the shelf for their well drinks. At this point you may be wondering if Trader Joe's sponsored this post and the answer is no, but they should have.

Five years

It is five years since Dave's accident today and I really, really didn't want to write this year. I don't like where I am in this process. Which is even more dismaying because I thought the "process" was over, that I had come to a point of acceptance. But apparently not. Apparently there are layers upon layers of process I'm still waiting to discover and I'd really like to know when it ends. I'm writing anyways because this annual check in is important to me, personally, and I make it public in case anyone else reading is dealing with something similar. (years one, two, three and four here)

This year I am angry. Angry and resentful and completely ashamed of myself for feeling that way. I'm exhausted. Our family is exhausted. I'm frustrated that every solution I've come up with over the last five years has failed or at best been extremely imperfect.

Over and over again I think I've finally given up hope (which I guess I equate with acceptance, that elusive state) and then I think of something else and manage to convince myself that this time it will be a solution. And then it fails and I lambaste myself for my stupidity. There is no simple solution. My family is not going to magically be fixed.

In August my mom got very sick and we had to scramble to find a way to take care of Dave. In desperation I ended up bringing him to work with me for a week* and then found a respite care facility close by where he could stay for another five weeks. I convinced myself that we would use this time to somehow improve things. I found a self therapy program for brain injury online (patient guide here, family guide here). I read it and felt hugely hopeful** and tried to get Dave to work through it. He was motivated in theory but not so much in practice. I struggled, trying to decide how much I could expect from him, whether the difficulty of pushing through the program might be worth it. Every day for at least an hour I would push him to make a schedule, to work on the exercises, to figure out meaningful activities for his life. I ended up wrung out and exhausted. Dave felt inadequate. We were both resentful. I was putting in long days at work (trying desperately to prove that my family situation wouldn't impact my work performance), hitting the gym in an attempt to knock out some anxiety and then heading directly over to work with Dave before going home to make dinner at 9:30 pm. I don't know how people do this. And there are so many people out here who do this, or something similar.

Here is what I hate about myself, what I don't want to admit to anyone - I'm resentful that this shell of Dave is taking up so much of my time and energy. I want to be able to spend more time with our other parents, who also need us. I want to be able to spend more time with Dustin. Our friends are buying houses and having kids and I'm so damn tired and discouraged that half the time I can't think more than a month ahead, juggling family schedules and trying to make sure that no one feels neglected. I feel hollowed out, right when I want our lives to feel full of possibility. I want to be dreaming instead of doing constant damage control.

I'm terrified and ashamed by how bitter I can feel towards Dave at times. None of this is his fault. And yet I'm still angry with him. I still manage to be hurt by the fact that since the accident he hasn't once asked me how my day went, or how work is going, or how Dustin and I are doing. I know that this isn't his fault, but it still hurts, to invest so much time in someone who has so little to give back. I worry that all this anger has displaced the love we had. But the first night I had to leave him in the respite facility, as I watched him walk into the dining room for dinner, alone, without one of us, for the first time in nearly five years, I had to fight the urge to stay just so I could make sure he was okay. I was so afraid he would be lonely or disoriented, that the other residents wouldn't understand him and he'd have to sit alone. My fear felt physical, like a punch to the gut. I dragged myself home and cried for three hours before giving in and going back to check on him. He was fine, of course. How can I love him so much and still feel so much anger towards him? I want to be a person who loves unconditionally and gives selflessly, who balances work and family and a personal life effortlessly and still has a sense of humor about it. The best I can seem to do is to look like that person at least some of the time. Inside I just feel horribly selfish, fraudulent.

There is still so much love in our family that I have to believe we'll figure out some kind of long term solution. (If I can't believe that, how can I keep going forward?) I'm not sure what we're going to do but we'll keep trying. In the meantime, I'm fighting to break myself out of this crisis mindset, to whatever extent I can. The anger and resentment were big wake up calls for me. I don't want to be an angry person and I don't want to resent my family. So I'm trying to set aside more time to just hang out, fighting the (entirely self-imposed) guilt I feel every time I'm out having fun instead of doing something for my parents. D and I are looking at potentially moving to a new neighborhood, which is no big deal when you rent, except that it feels simultaneously impossible and overwhelmingly exciting. This is how I know I need to open up my life a little more, because the prospect of moving 7 miles away feels daring and spontaneous (note that we've been talking about doing this for four years and keep putting it off because it never seems like the right time - I have to stop waiting for the right time and just start doing things).

So I'm not in a good place this year, but I'm going to do everything I can to be in a better place next year. I think I need to stop fighting this situation and just work on changing myself as best I can.




*Um, yes. This was not my finest professional moment. Asking my boss to let me bring my brain injured stepfather to work with me was difficult but taking time off would have been a bigger hardship and I'm incredibly lucky to work in a supportive environment. I try really hard not to bring my personal issues to work with me because I'd like to be known for being awesome at my job, not for being that person with all the family crises. But sometimes it's unavoidable.

** I'd highly recommend this program for people dealing with TBI. It was helpful to me, as a family member, and I think it would be amazing for many patients. I'm not sure if Dave isn't quite motivated enough or if it's my fault for not having enough time to dedicate to it, but even on a limited basis I think it was useful for us. If we could somehow get the system into place, I think it could be even more useful (apparently I'm chronically optimistic, even when I'm trying not to be).

Reading, last week (er, last month)

I don't have a good list of books for you right now because I haven't been reading as much as I'd like. I also only have 2 minutes to get this post published, even though I've had it mostly drafted for a month.

BUT - if you are looking for a super absorbing, mystery/thriller with lots of suspense and some excellent plot twists, you will probably want to check out Afterwards. I got it because I enjoyed Lupton's novel Sister quite a bit and this one is EVEN BETTER.

I don't like to describe mysteries too much because I think it ruins the surprise. The voices in this novel are strong, the concept is unusual, the characters are enjoyable and I had a really hard time putting it down during the last 1/3 of the book. To the extent where I was borderline rude to Dustin a few evenings in a row because I was so desperate to get to the ending.

It was a good ending.

And back in LA ...

A couple Sundays ago we treated ourselves to a lighting workshop at Poketo, preceded by a shared flight at Angel City Brewery and a pocket pie from the Pie Hole. I'm sure that drinking before working with electricity is not strictly recommended, but we were technically still on vacation that day.

{angel city taps}

{flight}

{strategizing}

{lighting workshop at poketo}

I've always shied away from working with electricity, so it was fun to get some experience with it in a setting where I was fairly certain I wouldn't be allowed to electrocute myself. We wired a simple pendant lamp and we're going to use them as our new bedside lamps. Pictures to follow, hopefully. You would think it wouldn't take us two weeks to get a couple of lamps hung, but you'd be wrong.

Palm Springs 2013

We went to the Colony Palms for our honeymoon and now we try to make it back out every year. We only had time for the miniest of vacations this year but we still wanted to get out of town, even if it was just for a day, really. Palm Springs to the rescue! If you're thinking that there is nothing to do in Palm Springs in September, when it is almost too hot to move, you are right! That's the genius of it. You are physically forced to do nothing but lay around and read. It's the most efficient form of relaxing I've found. Plus the rooms are on super discount.

{getting started}

{PS}

{reading, drinking}

{bar tending}

{alcove}

{archway}

{turrell at dusk}

We brought our own drinks and splurged on a few poolside meals and took serious advantage of the free coffee they offer in the morning. Vacation means having two full hours to spend in the morning talking and drinking endless cups of coffee. I read magazines and mysteries and napped. We finally made it to breakfast at Cheeky's and it was as good as everyone says it is. We stopped at our favorite vintage mall and ended up buying yet another pitcher, after a long discussion about how we probably couldn't because we can't possibly justify owning another one. But it was just such a good one.

On our way home we detoured through Claremont to check out the Skyspace and indulge in some college nostalgia. We did not attempt to crash any parties.