My birthday fell on a busy day at work, but Emily and I had an extra long walk (and stopped for breakfast) before I had to head in and then D had flowers, cake and champagne waiting for me at home, so all in all it was a pretty perfect day.
I didn't really expect all the emotions. This was my second birthday without my dad and last year I think I was still in shock because I barely remember it. I'm not a crazy birthday person and I'm always happy keeping the festivities very minimal, but I got lots of sweet calls and texts and over the course of the day my dad became increasingly conspicuous by his absence. Since we didn't see each other daily, most of the time I don't have to continually confront the fact that he's not here. Even if his absence hits me hard at random moments, for the most part I can go about my weekday routine and just let myself half-believe that he's at home doing his thing and that we'll talk in the evening.
I don't really have a good way to sum this up so the post has just been hanging while I try to come up with something. I miss him, and I know he would have approved of the camping trip we took over my birthday weekend, and I wish I could talk to him and tell him about it. It's still strange to me that life can be so sad and so sweet at the same time.
Rachel,
ReplyDeleteI'm 32 and lost my father to cancer almost exactly one month after you lost your dad. Loss is such a hard and confusing process and, man, it'll really hit you of nowhere when you least expect it. A friend (who is our age and lost her father years ago) said to me at my dad's visitation, "You'll never not miss him." Strangely, that one phrase has been the most comforting to me during the last 15 months. I miss him and I always will and that thought somehow makes him feel closer.
Happy belated birthday! Love from friends and family truly make the holidays and birthdays a bit easier.
Best wishes,
Laurel
Thank you, Laurel, and huge hugs to you. I get panicky when I start worrying that I'll forget things about him (the shape of his hands or how his voice sounded) and I just have to remind myself that I won't forget these things. I hope I'm right! And I hope you're doing okay.
DeleteI lost my dad 2.5 years ago and also recently turned 33. I completely relate to your last line - how can life be so sad and so sweet at the same time? It's endlessly confusing to me. Hopefully there is some solace in knowing you are not alone in your experience of grief and loss.
ReplyDeleteOh, Jackie - thank you and I'm so sorry that you're also dealing with this loss. xoxo
DeleteI can relate SO much to this. I lost my Dad in February when my son was four months old. Every milestone with him is a reminder and it is SO hard.
ReplyDelete(hugs) rachel. i wish i could say something profound that could help but i know i can't. wishing you the best and sending love and light to you via the interwebs. happy belated birthday girl even if bittersweet. have a good weekend.
ReplyDeleteI share your feelings about having low-key birthdays (I don't need to do much but I do like having a gathering of a few dear friends if possible). Our relationships with our fathers are special- sometimes I think I don't even need to say anything and I look over at my father and I see he quietly understands what I'm thinking. All this to say that I think your father would have entirely approved of how you spent your birthday and he would be immensely moved to know how he has remained in your thoughts, always.
ReplyDeletei just had to comment because i find your honesty and just...humanity so freaking refreshing ! i connect so much with the candid way in which you share your reality. i had my first real loss this past fall, my grandfather, at 29, and i too have been struck by how profound and harsh life can be all at once...and also how hard it is, the realization of not being able to share something with the person you've lost...i have found the permanence of it has been most shocking and something i could have never even grasped without having experienced the loss myself. anyway, did not mean for this comment to be a downer ! lol i just wanted to reach out and connect because your honesty is so moving and real and i love it. and maybe just to let you know you're not alone !
ReplyDeleteI lost my father when I was an infant, short of turning 5 months old, and I miss him every day, more so on special occasions. The grief over losing someone you love and deeply care about never really goes away. I find comfort in knowing his memory lives in my heart and his spirit is with me every day. So sorry for your loss, but I hope you can comfort in all the happy memories you shared and know that he will always be present in your heart and his memory and legacy will live on through you.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you Rachel, and happy birthday! Reading your thoughts about missing your dad, as well as all the comments feels like a circle of friends sharing their hearts. I've lost both my parents, my mom when I was quite young and my dad just two years ago. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one without my mom and dad, which, some days, makes me feel bitter.
ReplyDeleteThank you for continuing to share your grieving process with us, and know that you are not alone in your journey without your loving dad. <3
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